Two for You and One for Me

If you are a parent or a sibling you will immediately understand the following family dynamic. My sons, Aaron and Matt, are 15 and 13. They have a mercurial relationship that is partly based on loyalty and friendship, partly based on love and family ties and partly based on competition. Actually I have to remind myself daily that the relationship is only partly based on competition - because it seems like they are always competing. It's not just games either. Aaron has a "Matt scoreboard" and Matt has an "Aaron Scoreboard". Scoring uses a byzantine set of rules that largely follow the pattern, "2 for you and one for me". When Matt's slice of pie is larger than Aaron's, Aaron gives Matt 2 points, but when his slice of pie is larger he registers only one. When Aaron wins at Monopoly Matt gives him 2 points, but when Matt wins he gives himself only one point... and so on. The result is that in the mind's eye of my boys the other son is always ahead. This set of rules causes one word to hover in the mind of each young man - the word fair.

Now in our house "fair" is right up there with words that get you fined by the FCC. We don't talk about fair. We communicate to our children that we love them, that we are doing our best to be good parents, that we have the best of intentions and that we are trusting God to help shore up our inadequacies. If one child feels slighted we point out that others might have a different view of the situation, and even if the scales seem temporarily unbalanced there are times when they are in his or her favor. We talk about charity, putting others first and being grateful. Of course if all of that fails I resort to the old standby. I look at them cockeyed and say philosophically, "Well.... life is not always fair." Then I pat myself on the back ("well done old man... you've managed to teach them a lesson they will never forget"). Actually as I write this I suddenly feel like calling my father and apologizing for my teen years.

My own inner child (my inner "Wahhh!" as I like to call it) has the same radar - or perhaps I should say "fair-playdar". I look at the folks in my circle and I tend to give them 2 points for each of their blessings and only 1 for each of mine. This keeps me perpetually looking up from the bottom of my self made barrel - and worse, it keeps me looking at others. What is the cure for this "poor me" attitude?

Jonah's Cautionary Tale

Most folks remember Jonah because of this 3 day vacation in the stomach of a large fish. I like to remember Jonah's battle with the worm. Jonah would have made a great Dr. Seuss character. It's almost like God drafted the Grinch to be a missionary. Why was it that Jonah was reluctant to go to Nineveh? Was it because he didn't like the food? Did he suffer from sea sickness? Was he shy and timid? In fact, Jonah didn't want to go to Nineveh because he hated the Ninevites. In chapter 4 after God has chosen to spare the city Jonah flat out loses his cool. I love the way the Message Bible puts it:

Whoa... It seems Jonah really only likes the fire and brimstone side of the whole prophet business. He stomps his foot and says, "I knew it! God you are just not fair". He marches off and in verse 6 God shows his humorous side. He has arranged a broad leaf plant to grow - a nice shady spot. Jonah was pleased and (as the message bible put it again) "Life was looking up". Verses 7 and 8 are pretty comical.

As my dad used to say, "If God can use a worm Mark, he can surely use you" (or was it a donkey). And how about that Jonah - what a drama queen! Does it seem to you like he's way over the top? He makes Jim Carey look like Henry Fonda - "Oh noooooo.... a worm has killed my shade!!!! life isn't worth living anymore...". Sheesh!

God goes on to chastise Jonah for his lack of perspective. He cares about the shade tree and not about the citizens of Nineveh because his perspective doesn't reach beyond his own self-interest. If I am honest I can see Jonahesque qualities in my own view of the world at times. I wonder about my perspective. I wonder if my brand of faith would work in other countries where folks are living a lot further down on Maslov's pyramid.

Gratitude

The cure? Well... what do I tell my children when they stomp their feet and pout? What do I tell them when they complain that life or circumstances aren't fair? Of course! I tell them to be thankful. I try to help them find the proper perspective. When I am feeling pouty and petulant, I should take a moment to list all of the ways that God has blessed me. I need to remind myself that I do not deserve the favor of God. That's where grace can really lift me up. I am not an innocent bystander. I was his enemy and he befriended me! I was a stranger and he took me in. I was at odds with him, running away, raging against him and demanding control of my destiny - yet he pursued me and gently won me over. Once again, the key to overcoming so many of our foibles turns out to be yielding to him.Yielding to Jesus expands our circle. It adds new variables to our equation and changes the outcome. The more of the big picture I see, the more ashamed I am of my peevishness. What do I have to be miffed about?

If my life ended, right now... today... with no fan fare, no grand send off, no poignant goodbyes, no profound and memorable last words... if it was just over and I went on to be with him, I still could not complain that God had dealt unjustly with me in this life. I still could only wonder at his blessing and grace. Jesus doesn't just "make things ok" for us. He doesn't just smooth out the bumpy spots. Jesus lavishes love on us. He takes our sins and flings them as far as the east is from the west. He finds us when we are actively opposing him and loves us into repentance. He draws us, woos us, cajoles us, persuades and pleads and sways us. Were he a lover we would say he was "making a fool of himself". Is it any wonder that Paul said emphatically in Romans 8:38 (New Living):

Lord help us to avoid the pitfalls of fairness. Let me always see myself in light of your grace and mercy. May I not strive to climb but rest in you.