The Face I Love
While absent mindedly listening to the radio the other day I heard an ad for a beauty product or procedure. I don't remember if it was botox or liposuction or some kind of fancy pants skin cream, but it promised to make you look years younger. I remember thinking, "If you really want me to look years younger add copious acne and a vacant stare". In the commercial, a man speaking of his wife said something like, "I hardly recognized her. She looked like the day I married her." That got me to thinking about my own wife, Ann. Would I want her to turn back the clock and "look like the day I married her"?
I think about the woman I knew then. I was sure I knew her. I thought I knew her likes and dislikes. I was confident that I had a grip on what she thought and what she cared about. Most of all, I thought I knew what it meant to love her and to be in lovewith her. Those of you who have been married for longer than a few years are probably amused by this notion. Frankly, I don't think I knew her at all. In fact, sometimes I think the whole idea of being "in love" is a little selfish and shallow. Of course without the idea of "being in love" we would have to scrap most popular music and literature and we could no longer feel superior to cultures that arrange marriages. Still, it begs the question, is being in love about me the lover or about my beloved? The excited man on the radio answers the question for many people. Being "in love" is often about me - about having my expectations met.
We see ourselves as a puzzle that is missing a piece. We look for someone to "complete us". Did you ever stop to wonder why we do not think of ourselves as a piece in search of a puzzle? We constantly badger God for the blueprint to our own life, but do we ever ask, "Lord, how do I fit into your plan for my neighbor, my city, the world at large?" Sometimes we act like we are alone in the universe. I suppose God often has a chuckle at us (I'm so glad he's fond of us and not down on us). I suspect we look like little tin-pot dictators rampaging through our lives and trying to bring everything we can under our dominion. In any case, when it comes to learning about control marriage can be a good teacher. Usually it serves to illustrate how little we know and how little we can control - which brings me back to my lovely wife and her youthful looks.
What "look" of my wife am I most fond of? If I knew my wife completely and loved her totally the minute we said "I do", I suppose you could call that the pinnacle of my relationship with her. Everything would be down hill from there. The reality is a stark contrast. Ann often recounts the story of waking up next to me shortly after we were married and panicking. "Who is this guy? Who did I marry? What have I gotten myself into?" she thought. Many marriages would never take place if the couple actually knew how hard it is to build and maintain a good relationship in marriage. On the other hand, nothing can teach you to really love and give of yourself quite like it. In marriage (especially a marriage with Jesus as the head) love grows and matures and blossoms. It's not a light switch or a possession or something on a check list somewhere (take out the trash, feed the cat, be in love with your wife, pick up your son at school). Instead, married love is the totality of the life you share together. Over time you become so inter-connected that life without your spouse is simply unthinkable - just like over time life without Jesus becomes unthinkable.
Would I want my wife to look like the day I married her? Speaking for myself I have to say no. I love my wife more now than I have ever loved her. Every cute little crease at the corner of her eye is like a sweet shadow of some happy moment we have shared. Her face (like mine) has aged through our life together. We have three children together. We have fretted and prayed through illness and laughed and celebrated through little triumphs. We have pondered momentous decisions together. We have gone through tragedy and suffering. We have held each other up when things seemed unbearable. We have spent contented hours playing cribbage or yatzee or doing crossword puzzles together. Each event that we have shared has added to the depth and permanence of our relationship. As a silly boy I fell in love with Ann Ammon. I was taken with her charm and wit and beauty. But unlike that thoughtless boy and that carefree girl, we have grown together. I cannot imagine what life would be like without her. She is with me now. In this time of my life she is my beloved and it is who she is now that I want.
Jesus sees my beginning and my end. I wonder what face he sees when he thinks of me? Is it the face of the innocent child? Do you suppose it is the face of a petulant youth? I believe it's the face of the man growing to love him. How wonderful that Jesus is with me. He's really with me - at this moment, at this hour, at this time in my life. He's not glowering over me with his arms folded waiting to be disappointed. Like my wife, Jesus is sharing my life with me. He is allowing me to grow in my love for him. And just like in marriage, his love and forgiveness allow us to continue to grow together in spite of my frailty.
Choir Director, singer, piano player, technologist and erstwhile blogger.